Blog Post

How Are You Pushing Love Away - When Dating

Silvia Bauer • Oct 14, 2024

We all seek love, yet many of us struggle to deeply connect with others. The surprising truth is that everyone somehow pushes love away—even if we don’t realise it. This blog explores the subtle ways we might be distancing ourselves from love and offers insights into how understanding these behaviours can lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships. If you’ve ever felt frustrated or confused by your actions in love, keep reading—you may discover the key to opening your heart and letting love in.

Understanding the Universal Tendency to Push Love Away

I’m not asking if you push love away but rather how. As Ken Page puts it, as long as we’re breathing, we’re pushing love away. That means you’re not an exception. You’re also NOT damaged, or somehow mentally unwell if you’re struggling to connect with your loved one—or potential love—the way you’d love to.

I hope that’s good news and releases you from blaming yourself for acting “silly” or “dumb”. Yet, the question remains: how do you push love away? Understanding this allows you

To change your behaviour
To unravel a gift of yours
To find people with whom you feel safe – and who help you to push less often and less intenselyTo find people with whom you feel safe – and who help you to push less often and less intensely

The importance of self-awareness in changing behaviour

Recognising and accepting that you push love away is crucial, as it allows you to change your behaviour and increase your chances of connecting with potential love.

Rogers Paraoxon says, “When I accept myself fully, I can change.” Therefore, recognising and accepting that you push love away will be part of the work of receiving the love you want.

Imagine: you’re out dating. The next time you see an interesting person, you’re afraid to walk up to them and ask them out. Usually, you feel ashamed and find the fastest way out.

This time, you realise, “Oh, I’m doing my thing,” maybe you can stick around, stay alive, and keep breathing. Even this minor change would increase your chance to connect wit

Subtle ways we push love away

Even if you're not overtly avoiding love, behaviours like overworking, overeating, or over-socializing can indirectly distract you from genuine connection. And, for each of those behaviour patterns, there’s a relatively obvious counterpart to your strategy that makes it easier for love to find its way to your heart. And keep the very nature of mating in mind: “The right one will stick”.

Discovering the hidden gift within your defence mechanisms

Your unique way of pushing love away reveals a valuable gift—your protection system indicates that you have something precious to guard, which can be a source of strength and empathy.

“Within your unique pattern of pushing love away lies a gift.” I’m pretty sure those are Ken’s words, but to find the exact quote, please read his book “Deeper Dating” (I will run a book club on it soon).

In any case, there’s a reason why you’re pushing love away in your specific way and in this particular situation. Those are the characteristics of your unique protection system. You only need a security system if you have a valuable good to care for. And as easy as it is – well covered by your security system lies a treasure of yours.

Love has the very nature of opening up fences and boundaries. Your alarm system protects your treasures from this uncontrollable danger of allowing others to access your heart and treasures.

Do you know what kind of treasures you’re dealing with? If so, that would be very helpful, as you could, with all your resources, advocate for and protect your vulnerable treasures.

So, in the case above, the person who is afraid of approaching someone they’re interested in, one of their gifts will undoubtedly be that they are sensitive around rejection. As gifts are valid not only for ourselves but also for how we treat others, they will be aware and sensitive to others' pain of being rejected. Reliable relationships matter to them. They’ll be there for others in need. Guess what? This quality could be a valuable credential for making them successful therapists and amazing supportive friends.

The role of safe relationships in allowing love in

Finding people who make you feel safe and who value your gifts is essential for reducing defenses and allowing love to enter your life more easily.

This is true for every relationship– romantic or friendship, family or colleagues. Find people who value your gift and make you feel safe. By now, you might have identified your gift as seeking protection. Therefore, it’s easier for you – all of you, to take good care of them. There’s no need to put yourself in unappreciative or even diminishing places. Look out for places and people where your heart feels safe and with whom you can be yourself – most of the time. And naturally, you’ll be much less inclined to push love away.

The person in our example is lucky because almost everyone knows and relates to the bravery it takes to ask another person out. That’s why I chose them. However, some environments are kinder and are more aware of the fear of rejection than others. In some communities, rejections feel less devastating than others. Indeed, there’s always a risk of hope at stake, but with a supportive group of friends, rejection is easier to carry, and your self-esteem isn’t as vulnerable as when you face rejection alone. That’s a good reason to always get support and love from friends, a therapist, or both.

Neuer Text

Understanding how you push love away is the first step toward transforming your relationships and, ultimately, your life. By recognising your unique patterns and valuing the gifts hidden within them, you can begin to create deeper connections with others. Surround yourself with people who make your heart feel safe, and let go of the blame and self-doubt holding you back.

Your journey toward love starts with a few simple steps—practising self-awareness, embracing your gifts, or seeking supportive relationships.

Take your next brave step today. Reflect on your patterns, share your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist, and commit to opening your heart a little more each day. The love you seek is closer than you think—waiting for you to let it in.

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