Blog Post

How Are You Pushing Love Away - When Dating

Silvia Bauer • 14 October 2024

We all seek love, yet many of us struggle to deeply connect with others. The surprising truth is that everyone somehow pushes love away—even if we don’t realise it. This blog explores the subtle ways we might be distancing ourselves from love and offers insights into how understanding these behaviours can lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships. If you’ve ever felt frustrated or confused by your actions in love, keep reading—you may discover the key to opening your heart and letting love in.

Understanding the Universal Tendency to Push Love Away

I’m not asking if you push love away but rather how. As Ken Page puts it, as long as we’re breathing, we’re pushing love away. That means you’re not an exception. You’re also NOT damaged, or somehow mentally unwell if you’re struggling to connect with your loved one—or potential love—the way you’d love to.

I hope that’s good news and releases you from blaming yourself for acting “silly” or “dumb”. Yet, the question remains: how do you push love away? Understanding this allows you

To change your behaviour
To unravel a gift of yours
To find people with whom you feel safe – and who help you to push less often and less intenselyTo find people with whom you feel safe – and who help you to push less often and less intensely

The importance of self-awareness in changing behaviour

Recognising and accepting that you push love away is crucial, as it allows you to change your behaviour and increase your chances of connecting with potential love.

Rogers Paraoxon says, “When I accept myself fully, I can change.” Therefore, recognising and accepting that you push love away will be part of the work of receiving the love you want.

Imagine: you’re out dating. The next time you see an interesting person, you’re afraid to walk up to them and ask them out. Usually, you feel ashamed and find the fastest way out.

This time, you realise, “Oh, I’m doing my thing,” maybe you can stick around, stay alive, and keep breathing. Even this minor change would increase your chance to connect wit

Subtle ways we push love away

Even if you're not overtly avoiding love, behaviours like overworking, overeating, or over-socializing can indirectly distract you from genuine connection. And, for each of those behaviour patterns, there’s a relatively obvious counterpart to your strategy that makes it easier for love to find its way to your heart. And keep the very nature of mating in mind: “The right one will stick”.

Discovering the hidden gift within your defence mechanisms

Your unique way of pushing love away reveals a valuable gift—your protection system indicates that you have something precious to guard, which can be a source of strength and empathy.

“Within your unique pattern of pushing love away lies a gift.” I’m pretty sure those are Ken’s words, but to find the exact quote, please read his book “Deeper Dating” (I will run a book club on it soon).

In any case, there’s a reason why you’re pushing love away in your specific way and in this particular situation. Those are the characteristics of your unique protection system. You only need a security system if you have a valuable good to care for. And as easy as it is – well covered by your security system lies a treasure of yours.

Love has the very nature of opening up fences and boundaries. Your alarm system protects your treasures from this uncontrollable danger of allowing others to access your heart and treasures.

Do you know what kind of treasures you’re dealing with? If so, that would be very helpful, as you could, with all your resources, advocate for and protect your vulnerable treasures.

So, in the case above, the person who is afraid of approaching someone they’re interested in, one of their gifts will undoubtedly be that they are sensitive around rejection. As gifts are valid not only for ourselves but also for how we treat others, they will be aware and sensitive to others' pain of being rejected. Reliable relationships matter to them. They’ll be there for others in need. Guess what? This quality could be a valuable credential for making them successful therapists and amazing supportive friends.

The role of safe relationships in allowing love in

Finding people who make you feel safe and who value your gifts is essential for reducing defenses and allowing love to enter your life more easily.

This is true for every relationship– romantic or friendship, family or colleagues. Find people who value your gift and make you feel safe. By now, you might have identified your gift as seeking protection. Therefore, it’s easier for you – all of you, to take good care of them. There’s no need to put yourself in unappreciative or even diminishing places. Look out for places and people where your heart feels safe and with whom you can be yourself – most of the time. And naturally, you’ll be much less inclined to push love away.

The person in our example is lucky because almost everyone knows and relates to the bravery it takes to ask another person out. That’s why I chose them. However, some environments are kinder and are more aware of the fear of rejection than others. In some communities, rejections feel less devastating than others. Indeed, there’s always a risk of hope at stake, but with a supportive group of friends, rejection is easier to carry, and your self-esteem isn’t as vulnerable as when you face rejection alone. That’s a good reason to always get support and love from friends, a therapist, or both.

Neuer Text

Understanding how you push love away is the first step toward transforming your relationships and, ultimately, your life. By recognising your unique patterns and valuing the gifts hidden within them, you can begin to create deeper connections with others. Surround yourself with people who make your heart feel safe, and let go of the blame and self-doubt holding you back.

Your journey toward love starts with a few simple steps—practising self-awareness, embracing your gifts, or seeking supportive relationships.

Take your next brave step today. Reflect on your patterns, share your experiences with a trusted friend or therapist, and commit to opening your heart a little more each day. The love you seek is closer than you think—waiting for you to let it in.

< Older Post

How do you push love away - in your romantic relationship?

by Silvia Bauer • 13 September 2024

Have you ever noticed yourself acting differently with your romantic partner than with friends? This is because romantic relationships tap into our deepest survival instincts, rooted in our early attachment experiences with caregivers. To avoid unintentionally pushing love away, it is imperative that we learn to recognise how these dynamics play out in adult relationships. This blog explores the powerful link between childhood attachment and romantic behaviour, providing insights on how to build healthier, more loving connections with your partner.

Do you sacrifice your inner compass to fit in?

by Silvia Bauer • 26 April 2024

It’s not just about us, but what makes us orient in the world goes back over generations

Home is not just a place; it’s a feeling

by Silvia Bauer • 15 March 2024

I have just moved my private practice. Although it’s not been very far, and I haven’t moved any furniture, it hasn’t been the easiest step for me to take. Moving houses brings up a lot of associations – and I assume not just for me, as there are plenty of sayings about the meaning of home. Besides obviously “home sweet home," the idea “home is not just a place, it’s a feeling” really hit home for me. Indeed, it is a feeling, and this “feeling of home” doesn’t necessarily have to be connected to the outside place, but just like any other feeling, it needs to be taken care of and be nourished. And well, some places are more in line with our feeling of home than others. I’ve had my private practice in the same place since 2018, and I quite liked it. You may have seen the fabulous view from the top roof in the heart of Vienna. There was nothing wrong with it, and when the new place popped into my awareness, I couldn’t pinpoint what made me decide to move, despite certainly many apparent facts that weren’t in line with my experience. “On ne voit bien avec le coer, l’essentielle est invisible pour les yeux” / “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery).

The impact of disintegrated cultural identities on relationships

by Silvia Bauer • 27 February 2024

For most of my clients (including myself), cultural integration isn’t an obvious topic in everyday life. We’re fitting in and are used to belonging to one or the other community – usually not at the same time. It looks like one day – or even moment – we have one cultural identity and the next day another. We’re adapted either way and that’s just the way it is. It looks needless to give it another thought . . . Unfortunately, there are shiny moments that suddenly arise out of the blue and give a little painful stitch right into the heart. It’s a friend who completely forgot that most of the people outside are speaking German. And it can be a comment on my accent that keeps coming up. On such occasions, I feel slightly inadequate, I notice that there’s a part of me not seen by most people, even forgotten by my dearest friends. Looks like I’m well-integrated. Do you relate to and recognize those moments in your life when the second part of your cultural identity knocks at the door? If so, something is waiting to be integrated. And to make it even more confusing there’s a funny paradox between integration on the outside and inside yourself: the best-integrated people on the outside have many times chosen a shortcut and adapted to the cost of leaving parts of their cultural heritage behind.

Navigating Cultural Integration: Embracing the Seemingly Small Details

by Silvia Bauer • 10 February 2024

Integration is a difficult topic one could easily get lost in. That’s why I want to take it to a more personal level. I’m talking about the seamless little details in everyday life, like drinking coffee or tea. Following up on them might lead us to a cultural and historical tradition like Vienna Coffee houses and English Tea time. Are you familiar with the struggles of juggling two diverse cultural traditions? The longing to belong to two (maybe even conflicting) cultures? If so, this blog is for you. And if, for whatever reason, it’s not so much your topic, but you’re close to a person with whom it resonates, chances are, you may benefit from understanding your person on a much deeper level.

The Struggle with Self-Expression: 'I Am Not Concise Enough'

by Silvia Bauer • 30 January 2024

I Won’t Go Speechless by Princess Jasmine (Naomi Scott) Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say My voice drowned out in the thunder But I won't cry And I won't start to crumble Whenever they try To shut me or cut me down I won't be silenced You can't keep me quiet Won't tremble when you try it All I know is I won't go speechless 'Cause I'll breathe When they try to suffocate me Don't you underestimate me 'Cause I know that I won't go speechless

I'm not enough

by Silvia Bauer • 27 January 2024

Today, I’m talking about a very common topic. It’s more familiar in my daily life than my neighbours: I’m not enough. About every second client session, I get to meet with one of the countless varieties of this idea. One that I honestly relate to is “I’m not smart enough”. Two days ago one of my clients brought it up while reviewing the results of her cognitive ability diagnostics with an IQ above 130. The version I encountered yesterday was “I am not concise enough” and “I am too messy to speak up”. Do you relate to this next logical step as well? “I am too ... to be seen.” And therefore “honestly, I’m so not enough that I’m unlovable. I feel ashamed and better shut up.” What a sad and lonely place to be in. I feel so sorry for this kind of suffering and as well a bit fed up. I know and understand how hard it is for each and every one of us to deal with the feeling of not being ... enough. And looking at society I’m a bit upset about all the places that support ideas of not being strong/smart/hardworking/skinny/pretty/young..... enough. From this place, I would like to shout out and warn you “Be careful who you surround yourself with”. There are certainly some environments that benefit from people who don’t feel ...enough.

From Frustration to Intimacy: The Journey through Emotions in Relationships

by Silvia Bauer • 12 January 2024

Hello and welcome to my blog on the role of emotions in relationships. Today, when I speak about relationships, I'm mainly focusing on our primary attachment relationships, commonly referred to as our partnerships or relationships with our spouses. However, you'll notice similar patterns in other profound relationships, where attachment behaviour becomes more evident. The depth of a relationship often amplifies our attachment behaviours, a phenomenon observed from early childhood and persists throughout our lives. It's crucial to understand that what may be perceived as “childish” behaviour is, in fact, inherently human. Have you ever noticed that some emotions make it easier to connect to your spouse than others? I assume that you are well aware that your partner either gets upset or shuts down when they feel criticized or annoyed. Maybe you’re also struggling with feeling ashamed at times and noticed that it leads you into a pretty lonely place. More often than not, when it comes to facing difficulties with our partners, we end up feeling shameful and are very much afraid of being lonely and left alone . And on the contrary, there is sadness as Disney Pixar elaborated in “Inside Out” which has the innate ability to bring people together and connect on an even deeper level. So, how come some emotions bring us together while others keep us in a lonely place? Well, each of them has their job to fulfil. I will expand on this below, and you’ll see why it’s worth doing some emotional work…

Navigating Trauma in Relationships: A Journey to Understanding and Healing

by Silvia Bauer • 21 December 2023

The threads of trauma and their far-reaching impact on relationships can be complex and challenging to deal with. Whether you've been diagnosed with a trauma-related disorder, find yourself grappling with the weight of depression, or notice behavioural patterns hindering your connection with your emotions, this blog post is written for you. Have you ever felt concerned about how your struggles might cast a shadow on your relationship? Perhaps your partner has expressed frustration, dismissing the echoes of the past as irrelevant and labelling your reactions as "overreactions." In the realm of relationships, there exists a widely common pattern of a partner who turns away, leaving their significant other unseen in the wake of their trauma. Although they usually fear being faced with their loved one's painful emotions, being left behind by a significant other in their pain is a disconcerting experience for humans – no matter what age.

Discovering EMDR: An Introduction to an Exceptional Therapy

by Silvia Bauer • 5 December 2023

Unveiling the Core Principles: Understanding EMDR Therapy EMDR is well-known and mainly researched for treating PTSD. It’s a trauma-confrontational method, and we help the brain rewire while integrating the traumatic experience. This help comes from those funny-looking movements, e.g., following the therapist’s moving finger. Although that’s the original way, we can also use bilateral sounds coming from headphones or small vibrating “Christmas trees” (they are green triangles that keep blinking). The modality itself doesn’t really matter, the brain just loves getting help from bilateral stimulation (BLS). Besides that, and most importantly, although it’s less well-known, there’s quite a process to set up the reprocessing in a way that encourages the mind to find its way.