The Struggle with Self-Expression: 'I Am Not Concise Enough'

Did you ever wish you were as strong and able to speak up as Jasmine in Walt Disney’s Aladdin when she had been placed under arrest by the new sultan? So many of us feel like we generally have a sense of what needs to be said, but when the situation comes up, and it matters, we just can’t follow any straight thought. This tends to happen even if we’re pretty well-prepared and, afterwards, we can put everything straight. But right at the moment when it matters the most, we feel washed away and are silenced indeed.

If you relate to the struggle of feeling "not concise enough" and "too messy to speak up", this blog is for you.

I think Princess Jasmine is so powerful because she fights the fear many of us are familiar with. And as I tend to add a relational aspect – she does have a powerful reason for going above and beyond. So, I will elaborate a bit on the fear of this particular version of being not good enough: I am not concise enough to speak up.

Then we use Princess Jasmine as a role model to figure out what gave her the strength not to go speechless and see if that applies to our (maybe not as dramatic) everyday relationships.

The Struggle: Feeling 'Not Concise Enough'

I wanted to ask her out on a date. I know her well enough and as we met with the group there was an opportunity. But my mind went blank and couldn’t find the right words. That happens over and over again. I feel ashamed and frustrated that I couldn’t get closer to her again. And now I’m afraid of meeting with this group because I know that I will end up even more frustrated and reassured by my fear that I will end up lonely.

When you can’t express your needs, it’s indeed a lonely place to be. And when you know exactly what should or could be said, and it just stays stuck inside of you, it’s very frustrating. Some people turn the frustration and anger onto themselves and feel desperate; others get angry about the world or a particular person - especially their partner.

You may know my blog about the order of emotions moving towards intimacy https://www.psychotherapy-bauer.at/from-frustration-to-intimacy-the-journey-through-emotions-in-relationships. In it, I discuss how beneath the frustration and anger, fear is hiding. It’s the fear of not being concise enough when it matters that shuts you down when you want to speak up in a critical situation. As always, emotions come with the best intentions – whether they’re applicable or not. In the case of not speaking up, fear’s intention is to protect you from being seen as “not good enough” to belong and be loved. Although I’m a little upfront with my comment, I also have the best intentions. After all, Brené Brown says “Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect”.

Princess Jasmine's Resilience: A Role Model

What is it about Princess Jasmine that enables her to speak up? Well, she’s a princess and therefore may be raised with a particular self-esteem and expectation to speak up more naturally than other people. Sorry, but we can’t change this, and I don’t know many people who’re up to becoming a princess (apart from Petra).

On the other hand, I believe inside every one of us there are little princes and princesses who long to go on adventures, be seen and discovered, and fight for one another. We all know and long for those fairy tales – whether it’s Romeo and Juliet or Princess Jasmine and Aladdin. They do have in common that they succeed in overcoming struggles and fear through the power of love. Thank goodness, our real-life experiences are not as dramatic as the fairy tales because we have fear to protect us from perceived danger.

And yet, taking it all to a quieter level, there’s this power in vulnerability. Standing in front of the person we love, at times we are indeed capable of going above and beyond. We’re strong, fighting for love.

Love and acceptance in a relationship can give us the power to show up more vulnerably than usual and balance the fear that usually stops us. For Princess Jasmine, it certainly is her love for Aladdin that makes her overcome the fear that might have shut her down. For anyone else, it could be any other stable relationship where you feel unconditionally accepted and appreciated.

What’s Your Power Animal?

What else makes the Princess strong? Her pet! I suppose having a pet tiger would be a pretty powerful feeling.

And even if you have an allergy or don’t accommodate any real supportive pet for whatever reason – imagined power pets can be equally helpful. The advantage of the imagined version is that they can have qualities our beloved real version is lacking. I fancy dragons, but other people might prefer the Paddington bear – whatever appears supportive to you can be a coping strategy for dealing with fear.

Another quality of Princess Jasmine certainly is her powerful voice (thanks to Naomi Scott). Do you ever wander around singing out loud? If you do so, please continue. If you don’t – there’s a power in singing that opens up your throat. It’s worth giving it a try, even if it’s in the shower. Give your voice a chance to come out. And if that’s for whatever reason no option, keep talking. With no regard to the content. Bring it on. Show your words the way to come to the surface.

I hope you can relate to Princess Jasmine to some extent – and believe me, Aladdin does have the same struggles. It’s a universal human experience to not feel good enough.

Fear of Being Seen: Unravelling the Layers

What do you feel when you consider the idea of singing out loud? Is there any aversion to being heard? Have you ever been told that your voice is not good enough and you better quiet down? If so,       did you find your way out of this struggle by improving your voice? This is another way to deal with the same fear of being heard. And don’t get me wrong – it’s great to come up with productive ways to handle emotions. But, if you don’t connect to the underlying emotion peacefully, no matter how creative, coping mechanisms will work long-term. That’s why I highly recommend finding your way through the maze until you can touch your fear of being seen and heard.

Have you noticed that many fears belong to the same family? There is

●      Fear of speaking up or/and showing up

●      Fear of being seen and heard

●      Fear of not speaking concisely/clearly enough

●      Fear of speaking too loudly

●      Fear of being seen as weak and vulnerable

Can you connect the dots between not speaking clear and loud to vulnerability? We do have shy and vulnerable emotions. I love to compare our emotions with our inner children. They come in different ages and manners. In the same way, an angry teenager expresses themselves differently from a sad toddler, our various emotions show up differently. We’re more than our inner children, There is also the inner parent to handle, regulate and communicate their needs. Generally speaking, the better job the inner parent does, the more balanced and therefore clearer we can speak up. So yes, it may be a good idea to practice your inner child-raising skills.

And, knowing me, you’re probably waiting for the good-enough-side. Here it is: humans are constructed to perceive, communicate, and deal with emotions on a much deeper level than most people are aware of. So, if your goal is to communicate with a person you’re in a closer relationship with, it’s neither necessary nor helpful to balance your emotions as if you were lecturing at university. Because your partner is by nature capable of helping you reparenting your inner children. Thanks to our mirror neurons, it’s not even an effort for them. It’s rather an effort to prevent each other from connecting emotionally. However, if we’re used to shutting our emotions down, it may be difficult to believe this. I’m aware of this situation, as my beloved hiding people know. Therefore, I want to second: sharing emotions and connecting emotionally, especially in uncomfortable situations, decreases our stress levels.

If you’re keeping your emotions from being seen by a person you’re in a relationship with, it’s essentially like shutting the door in front of their face. I assume you can imagine the impact.

And when you’re afraid of speaking up and feel not clear or concise enough, there’s a good chance that you have had a history of having the door shut in your face when you spoke up. Another nearly as painful way to hurt a person who’s speaking up is by invalidating or judging them. So, if you are afraid of yourself or fear of judgment, there are some options to recognize your past experience.

Although it may appear counterintuitive: connecting in relationships and strengthening them works much better when we share anxious or fearful experiences than when we hide our emotions. Most partners have some kind of struggle with fear and can relate to this. So, connecting with your fear and letting it be seen authentically does help your relationship as much as yourself. Going through all kinds of anxiety about being seen as weak, you may encounter a fear of being unlovable. If that happens, please say hello and send my love. We all share this one. Handled skillfully, it’s the glue of fulfilling relationships – also called positive attachment signals. They ask, “I’m questioning my lovability. Are you there for me?”. Any kind of YES reaction will strengthen your relationship.

So, I strongly encourage you to repeat it often 😉

Empathy for Loneliness and Shame

I know it’s harder than it sounds. I’ve been there, and I believe we all do in one way or another. But when we go into hiding due to the belief that we are not concise enough, it’s a lonely place to be. I see it as an adventure and at some point, you have to face your fear and fight. All you can rely on is that people are around, waiting for you when you come back. It can be a challenging act of bravery, fighting your battles. And when you can stand the feeling of "not being concise enough," you might find that it becomes easier to find your voice.

And everyone who’s been there certainly has empathy and compassing for those grappling with shame due to their perceived inadequacies in communication. You’re not alone, and it’s worth looking for people who support you on your journey and have your back should you be struggling.

For exactly this reason, I’m here for you in individual therapy, I’m also facilitating a group program that specializes in resourcing you for dealing with anxiety and provides an optimal experience of being accepted unconditionally.

Conclusion

 In the journey through the struggle with self-expression, inspired by Princess Jasmine's unwavering resolve, we've delved into the universal fear of not being concise enough, of feeling too messy to speak up when it truly matters. Much like Princess Jasmine, many of us find ourselves silenced in crucial moments, drowned out by the thunder of our own fears.

This blog has taken us through the personal narrative of someone grappling with the fear of not being concise enough, using the relatable scenario of wanting to express romantic feelings but facing a paralysing silence. The stakes are high, as the inability to express needs creates a lonely space, fostering frustration, anger, and even desperation.

This fear of being seen and heard is linked to the subsequent belief of being unlovable. It touches upon the complex layers of emotions, from frustration and anger to the underlying fear that aims to protect us from being perceived as "not good enough."

Enter Princess Jasmine, our resilient role model, whose strength to speak up is fuelled by love and acceptance. While we may not all have the privilege of becoming royalty, within each of us lies a 'prince' or 'princess' yearning for connection, adventure, and the courage to fight for what matters.

I have also discussed coping strategies, from embracing an imaginary power animal to the therapeutic power of singing. Princess Jasmine's powerful song becomes a metaphor for finding your voice, encouraging you to explore ways to express yourself more authentically.

The journey continues deeper into the fear of being seen, unraveling its various manifestations—fear of speaking up, of being too loud or too weak. It emphasizes the importance of addressing these fears, connecting with your inner children, and developing inner parenting skills to enhance clarity in communication.

I empathize with those who are struggling with loneliness and shame associated with finding their voice and offer support on the journey of self-expression.

Please share your thoughts.