How do you push love away - in your romantic relationship?

Have you ever noticed yourself acting differently with your romantic partner than with friends? This is because romantic relationships tap into our deepest survival instincts, rooted in our early attachment experiences with caregivers. To avoid unintentionally pushing love away, it is imperative that we learn to recognise how these dynamics play out in adult relationships.      This blog explores the powerful link between childhood attachment and romantic behaviour, providing insights on how to build healthier, more loving connections with your partner.

As children, we learn to adapt to our caregivers' (usually parents') behaviour. The child’s survival depends on caregivers, not only physically but also emotionally. Many (sadly) ruthless but crucial experiments have shown that children cannot survive without emotional and vocal caretaking. Humans are social beings, and infants must be talked to, rocked, and hugged. Even before birth, babies prefer their mother’s tongue, so it’ll be easier to acquire the words that count.

As children begin to explore the world, they naturally turn to their caregiver when they feel threatened or uncertain. The caregiver’s response to these moments of distress is crucial. A comforting response encourages the child to face intimidating situations, fostering confidence and independence. On the other hand, a less comforting response may cause the child to hold back, hindering their exploration of the world.

It's crucial to understand that the human safety system, or the attachment system, is designed to be a safety net for each individual. The infant asks, 'Are you there for me?' If the caregiver consistently responds with a reassuring 'Yes,' through words and actions, the child's world is in order, and they continue to explore it. This dynamic interaction between the attachment system (in times of threat) and the exploration system (in times of safety) allows the child to balance seeking comfort and exploring the world.

This system works the same way in our romantic relationships—and it can bring up some charge if we don’t know how to handle them skilfully. Just as we depended on our parents as children, we depend on our partners in adulthood. Perhaps not to the same extent, but dependency is there nonetheless. Is any irritation coming up? Minor detail: it’s mutual.

If you’re still hanging in here with me, it might become obvious why our romantic relationships work so differently from any other friendship we maintain. Emotionally, our lives depend on our partners – and just them. Any friends, mates, siblings are add-ons.

Our guiding question is “How are you pushing love away in your romantic relationship?” Obviously, our partners do not behave exactly like our caregivers did. Therefore, the attachment cues we learned in our first years to handle our parents are not necessarily the best fit for them —neither are they for us. In fact, in the world outside of our home growing up, they might not be a skilful or successful way to relate to others.

Imagine a child

Sally grew up in a busy family with several children. Her parents were struggling emotionally much of the time. They were rarely present, and when they were, they exposed Sally and her siblings to their relational conflicts. If any one of the children “misbehaved,” they would be sent to their room.

Sometimes, they voluntarily retreated to escape the overwhelm of their parent’s arguments. Eventually, the children learned, to varying degrees, to take care of themselves on the physical and emotional levels.

In adulthood, Sally, having been the “good child,” tries to avoid bothering her partner. She is especially careful not to share her emotions with them, for she learned early on that her emotions would not be met with compassion; that they may be too much for her partner to handle. This is what Sally’s attachment system requires her to do. It’s what worked with her parents.

Sally’s partner doesn’t share her same attachment cues and strategies. Unlike her, when her partner experienced hard emotions as a youngster, their parent’s world stopped. They understand that this same level of care and attention is needed in their romantic partnership. Sally’s partner wants to be there for her. Thanks to mirror neurons, they can sense that Sally is having emotional difficulty and could use some support.

What do you think Sally does when her partner approaches in a supportive way?

She doesn’t lean into the love. Instead, she tries to “be strong,” to cope with her emotions on her own, just as she’s done since childhood. Deep down, she wants to hear “I see you and I love you, no matter what.” She wants (and deserves) to hear “your emotions are not a burden to me. I’m here for you.” Sally’s attachment strategy sends the message that “I can take care of myself. I don’t need you.” This robs her of the opportunity to connect with her partner in a profoundly emotional way.

This can go entirely different. Let’s see how that looks.

Positive attachment cues and Bonding moments

Some time down the road, our couple has been to therapy. They learned that it’s perfectly normal and even recommended to reach out to one another when they’re not feeling great. They also watched “Inside Out 2” and learned to identify their emotions and label them as frustrated or irritated, anxious or ashamed, lonely or sad.

Sally has done much work on both ends and was impressively invested in improving their relationship. Now, when she’s feeling lonely, she can state it in a way that her partner can hear and respond accordingly. Sally’s partner, also more skillful in relating, responds by owning that they’ve been preoccupied lately and acknowledging that Sally felt left behind. They commit to dedicating a certain amount of time each week just to be together, without distractions.

In this scenario, Sally and her partner have stated, seen, and addressed attachment cues, leading to what, in Emotionally Focused Therapy, we call a Bonding moment.

Happily ever after? It’s hard to believe, but our brain is wired for this kind of emotionally safe connection. That’s why it’s a very sticky way of connecting. There’s an aspect of making time and space for it, but usually, we get soaked into this way of growing love instead of pushing it away.

Embracing Love by Rewriting Attachment Patterns

Recognising the deep-seated attachment patterns that influence your romantic relationships is a decisive step toward fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections. As adults, we may unknowingly push love away by relying on the survival mechanisms we developed as children. But these patterns don’t have to define your future.

If you find yourself acting out these old habits, it’s time to rewrite the script. Embrace the opportunity to connect more deeply with your partner by acknowledging your vulnerabilities, sharing your emotions, and understanding each other’s unique attachment styles. The journey to more substantial, loving relationships begins with self-awareness and the courage to change.

What is your next step? Reflect on how your past influences your present relationships. Consider having an open conversation with your partner.