The impact of disintegrated cultural identities on relationships

Sadly, many people are not aware of this dilemma, and large parts of society benefit from your adaptability. Only people who are aware of the inside bargain and tolls notice that there’s more to it when expressions just don’t feel entirely fitting into a cultural perspective.

Last but not least, our cultural disintegration usually turns out to cause subtle and unresolvable relationship struggles as long as we’re not aware of them.

That’s why in this blog, I will address the cost of fitting in vs. being seen in full diversity and the toll on our closest relationships when we’re unaware of our intercultural heritage. It’s time to explore the richness of our identities and how embracing cultural diversity can enhance our well-being and relationships. Join me in this journey of self-discovery and cultural integration in psychotherapy.

Understanding cultural integration

There is a difficult and slightly confusing term for cultural integration because there’s integration in the outside world into the culture you’re living in – and there’s cultural integration within yourself. This aspect describes how well intercultural experiences find their place within the self. The first aspect is openly discussed in politics and society whereas the latter one seems to be more of a private struggle that’s rarely addressed. They relate in some way over the long run, and there’s more to it than fitting in.

Creating a cultural integration inside is a significant part of personal identity. Besides its complexity, the beauty of true diversity can be seen when all diverse parts can find their place in the person’s inside world.

 One of the common experiences and challenges faced by individuals navigating multiple cultural identities is the feeling of being a stranger. In everyday life, we usually navigate languages and daily tasks without being attached to the origin. But at times traditions occur that are just not ours. We can feel detached and distant or can just not relate. At times there are people who remind us that we’re strangers to them and their cultural traditions – and maybe we considered them ours before. There’s a most common and nevertheless highly uncomfortable experience of belonging nowhere. This threatening feeling of having lost two homes and being really strange and eventually unmistakably lonely. This experience of being a stranger can be as small as a twinkle and as big as an overwhelming wave of existential threat. No matter which is most familiar to you – the good news is that it’s this partly unbearable space of absolute strangeness that provides the most fruitful ground for cultural identities to develop in exciting new ways.    

  And there’s a painful solution that protects us from experiencing this absolute strangeness: cultural adaptation to the extent of neglecting one part of our cultural identity. You could consider it some kind of cultural people-pleasing. And like any other people-pleasing, it’s hard and draining. Sad but true, in our world, there are hierarchies of cultures and languages, and certainly the dominance of the inhabitant culture is given by the place you’re located in.

It's really hard, to keep the inner organization of your cultural identity independent from those conditions valid in the outside world. How do you handle your inner 3^rd-world part when struggling with your inner 1st-world part? I guess you understand the problem: when you give up on governing them according to your inner justice and needs, one will put down the other and compromise on your authenticity. In contrast, if you can work out a way to integrate all of your cultural parts even though they might conflict with the outside world, you could find a way not only to create a richer life for yourself but certainly also impact the outside world accordingly.

Embracing Diversity and Authenticity

I advocate for the celebration of cultural diversity within oneself and society because the inside longs to be seen and needs to be valued in the outside world. Living in Vienna, although it’s a small metropolitan city, it’s rich in international cultures and heritage. Therefore, it’s possible to find real in-person spaces where different cultural identities can find a place to be valued and accepted. And yet, intention and initial effort are mostly required to get into a group or community. Luckily the post-pandemic world offers plenty of opportunities for connecting locations independently and that certainly helps connecting internationally. So, in the outside world, there are spaces for every gift but, mostly the harder step beforehand is to realize your need to find a space where all of your cultural parts can be lived and seen in a safe community. 

The benefits of embracing one's cultural heritage and identity are that you can stand up for them and so can others. It’s very interesting but we give others instructions on how to treat us. So, if you ignore or even neglect parts of you, others will as well. That means if you drop or hide one of your cultural identities, you’ll find people who can’t see them or ignore it as well. It’s like numbing or neglecting an inner child. In consequence, it will be very sad and frustrating, certainly desperate over time. This strategy can help to fit in, but to live an authentic life with flourishing close relationships inside and out, it’s necessary to have a community that embraces your cultural heritage and helps foster all of your inner parts. The adage “It takes a village to raise a child” absolutely applies to the child within.

  How can you start fostering self-acceptance and authenticity in a new context? Well, take it one step at a time. In the beginning, it may feel scary, like lifting an invisibility cloak. And it’s fine to test the waters carefully. Yet it’s necessary to take the first scary step and allow yourself to be fully seen by others. There’s no way around it. Show up although most likely you’ve had some bad experiences being fully seen before. If you still feel shame around such an experience, there is help and healing in sharing your story. That can be with friends, your partner, or in therapy. Being understood in the shameful experience will open up sadness and invite connection.

Navigating Intimate Interpersonal Relationships

Inevitably, our close relationships bring all of our inner struggles to the table. And there’s no chance of shoving it under the rug over the long run. So, at some point, the question is: can you be seen and accepted with all your cultural heritage by your partner? It’s just that. Period. And if you can truly answer this question positively, still everyday challenges will occur. There are plenty of ways to live and create our outside world, yet the first step is always to bring up and value personal experiences. In everyday life, there are seemingly small struggles but if they are connected to the cultural background, they are more meaningful and part of a bigger picture that’s worth looking at.

Some international couples may have conflicts about how much time and energy to spend with their in-laws. It’s even a common topic for couples from the same culture but in between cultures there’s a wider range of standards and values behind family time. So, in the Western individual cultures, it’s enough seeing in-laws now and then, mostly on holidays and for celebrations but keeping private life separate. Looking into Eastern, more collectivistic cultures there’s a lot higher engagement expected and it’s more obvious how lives are interdependent. In-laws generally spend a lot more time together and with that as well emotional and physical closeness and involvement in each other's lives. It’s highly important to accept both perspectives as equally valuable and lovable. Given that it’s still some work to elaborate on practical solutions, they may vary as they develop. It’s mostly like an explorative journey and adventure to work out how far each partner can compromise and adjust the boundaries as a couple. All of this technical work is (just) possible in an environment of mutual understanding and respect for values and heritage.

Another even less obvious common challenge faced in cross-cultural communication and relationships is the languages spoken in everyday life. How do you deal with languages in your relationship and family? Sometimes there’s a family language that’s one of the partner's mother tongues, sometimes there’s a third family language, sometimes languages are mixed without recognizable outside structure, and sometimes both partners’ mother tongues are used to the fullest. I think the way a couple chooses to navigate languages tells a lot about their understanding of cultural integration – individually and as a couple.

This impact is meaningful for us, whether we are one partner or a child of an intercultural couple – and most often both. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong solution for juggling languages, but I advocate for acceptance and integration either way. How we handle languages is to a large part impacted by the relationships we have been in and are navigating but it also depends on the cognitive abilities for languages.

In my everyday life and work, I am sensitive to what language has been used with whom. I believe there are biases if we think about the father in the mother’s tongue. Most likely concepts and values that are captured in one language cannot fully be translated into another. and at some point, every one of us has to integrate both our parent's heritage and create our way. In the outside world, you’ll know when literal figures are created that are usually much more striking than what’s available in just one language.

 So, it’s hard to offer any practical tips for navigating intercultural struggles in relationships other than being aware of your topic and treating it with care and respect. Just like any other relationship conflicts can be handled to the degree we succeed in building a stable emotional connection and creating plenty of bonding moments.

Conclusion

 In conclusion, cultural integration isn't just about fitting into the society around us; it's also about integrating diverse cultural identities within ourselves. This internal struggle often goes unnoticed but can have profound effects on our relationships and well-being. By embracing our full cultural heritage and authenticity, we not only enrich our own lives but also foster stronger connections with others. Navigating intimate relationships, especially across cultures, requires mutual understanding, respect, and a willingness to explore and compromise. Whether it's managing languages or negotiating cultural differences, the key lies in acknowledging and valuing each other's backgrounds while building a foundation of emotional connection and shared experiences. Ultimately, by embracing diversity and authenticity, we can create more fulfilling and harmonious relationships both within ourselves and with others.