Do you feel like having a panic attack before going on your first date?
And how Leonard Hofstadter handled it successfully
I had a closer look at 3 of them:
1) Maybe you feel not good enough for your date, or even unlovable to some extent. Past experiences may have left you feeling unworthy of being loved for who you are. Maybe you are aware of those past conditions, maybe not. By identifying them, it gets easier to separate those impressions from the truth. And many times, it takes work and several years to understand the origin of feeling unlovable.
Meanwhile, it can be helpful to know that a feeling can never be the entire truth. So, one part of you that feels unlovable is not all of you.
I love referring to The Big Bang Theory. You may know, that Leonard’s mother (a psychoanalytic researcher) used to connect with him, from an early age on, mostly out of her need to accomplish some research. Whenever he needs something, she makes him wait or states, that he mustn’t “always” put himself first. So, he’s really struggling with the idea “I am worth it” as his body language in the GIF suggests.
Although he may feel insecure and question his wishes, we know that his friends and partner certainly love him a lot.
2) We all fear asking someone out because we may be rejected. That’s normal. And it’s even more uncomfortable: the more important the person is, the more we fear their rejection. So, how to handle this dilemma? In “a beautiful mind” John Nash brings up game theory in dating-considerations: everyone is supposed to go for their second-best dating partner. That may be a brilliant idea in terms of mathematics, and in real love life it seems to appear more successful taking a chance without calculations.
Yes, the other person may reject you. For various reasons. And there’s no way of calculating or anticipating it. There are influences out of your control.
And
there are plenty of factors you can control. So, to me, it seems more reasonable concentrating on
things you can control
– e.g. asking the person you are interested in out…presumably in a clear and kind way. I put presumably there to say “as good as you could”. Don’t beat yourself up if it appeared rather “clunky and trying”.
Done is better than perfect.
So, you did all your best and the person rejected you. Or worse – they may not show up and ghost you. All that is possible. And it has nothing to do with your worth as a person, and you will not drop off the earth. Even if that’s what it feels like.
Remember from above? Feelings may appear huge – but they are not a mirror of the outside world. There are some million other people out there, searching for dates and love. Someone else is excited about getting to know you.
3) We can also fear asking someone out
because it’s scary being close to another person.
It may be ok making friends and hanging out with them. But it’s a whole different story going on a date. It may feel intimidating being so close to one person – not mentioning having eye contact. That can feel intrusive.
Intimacy is often translated as into-me-see. That sounds intimidating – like the myths of being unwillingly hypnotized, and another person gets access to your thoughts. Luckily, as scary as unrealistic idea.
Still, you may struggle to be close with a foreign person. Remember, on a first date, you are usually two foreigners meeting each other. Can you see, there are TWO foreigners? So, there are two people just getting to know each other. It is perfectly normal to be intimidated, excited, shy, anxious or all of that and even more – for both of them. Most people do not feel comfortable opening up to a stranger. That’s entirely reasonable and protects you. Just sometimes, you can be a bit overprotective.
Maybe there is some part of you that feels especially insecure. Is there a chance, you can talk to them? Maybe
they appear
like a young child
and need you as a grown-up person to look after them. There’s nothing wrong about having a little dialog in your mind and
reassuring the young part of your care and protection.
Referring back to TBBT, this time I don’t want to remind you of Leonard, as he copes better with intimacy than Raj. Penny runs into Raj on the staircase. She is mad about Sheldon and Leonard tidying her apartment at night. She opens up to Raj about her anger and troubles. As you may know, Raj is for some seasons not able to talk to women. He keeps running a monologue in his head while Penny is talking. In the end, he accidentally nods – and helped Penny a great deal. It’s certainly a bit of a hyperbole, but it shows that the fear of intimacy doesn’t prevent from having a fruitful conversation…
Even if you don’t know at all what to say, or it just doesn’t come across your lips. Take it one little step at a time.
Despite our fears, most people crave a deeper connection, love and intimacy.
But how can you go from feeling overwhelmed by fear to being excited to an acceptable extent?
Well, I’m a relationship counselor and I work with my clients to help with all aspects of relationship difficulties.
If you watched TBBT, season 1, you’ll know, but if not, let me fill you in about Leonard going on his first date with Penny. Leonard gets ready 2,5hrs in advance, his shirt soaked all over in sweat.
Sheldon calms him with his encouraging prognostics, “alcohol and poor judgement on Penny’s side may lead to a nice romantic evening”. (And he is totally right about the fact that your partner is not a ‘perfect’ but a perfectly regular person with their own struggles – although they may sometimes look very different). Unfortunately, Sheldon is not the most gifted person at handling emotions, and Leonard ends up with the thought of having a panic attack. He begs Sheldon to cancel his date as “he fell sick”.
Luckily, he didn’t dare to ask Penny straight out beforehand, but left her in the expectation his friends would join them. So, he was “forced” to show up and “accomplished” his, however strange, but first date with Penny. (He showed a physical experiment on the dinner table, one element dropped under the table, he crawled after it and hit his head that strongly that he got a laceration, and they went home.)
But no matter how awkward that may sound – some seasons later, they turn out getting married.
So, I guess what we can learn from watching Leonard is that your date doesn’t have to be brilliant, not even average, you just have to show up – and a little help from a friend (or your counselor) goes a long way.
If you wish to get some help with your fear around going on a date – and especially if you do have the wish, but coping appears to be pretty unrealistic in your current situation, please leave me a note via contact form or email.
